A Simple Cleric
by Emerald Sonata
Summary: Hey there. The name's Jayden and this is a tale about a fellow adventurer who likes to call himself 'a simple cleric'.
1. Attack-on-Giants

**~ Emerald Sonata Works ~**

* * *

**{= Dungeons &amp; Dragons =}  
****~ A SIMPLE CLERIC ~**

A.K.A. SIMPLE  
_(attack_on_giants)_

_{~By Emerald Sonata~}_

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Hey there. This is a story about my party meeting someone who likes to refer to himself as a 'simple cleric'…but first.

「**Me:** SCREW THIS GARBAGE AND RUN!」

I dove into a nearby cave, along with several other adventurers I was with, in time to avoid a horde of angry giants that were trying to eat us alive for freaking breakfast.

「**Me:** Seriously! How the heck did we end up in this mess!?」

Sigh…looks like some introduction is in order.

My name is Jayden and I'm an Elven Swordmage. My regular _Dungeon and Dragon_ party consists of the following: Codwin, the Orc Paladin; Aya, the Demoness Knight; and Marilyn 'Meryl' the Halfling Ranger. When I say 'regular', I mean these guys have been questing with me for about 5+ years and have gone through some serious _*bleep*_ together. We originally had a fifth member, a Warmage, but he suddenly went up and moved to the states without any warning and now we're one member short – and he was the critical member of the team (screw him).

「**?-?-?:** I'M SOOOOORRRRYYYYYYY!」

…Today, we met a strange new fellow. Patchoullistein vi'uul Laputa the XII…or Simple for short (much to his chagrin). When I mean new, I meant complete-first-time-playing-table-top-RPG-_ever_ new. He was interested in the game and wanted to join our group. As we were desperate for a fifth player, we literally dragged him into our Warmage's favorite feng-shui seat without a second thought (again, screw the AWOLer). After giving him some rough pointers and basic rules, we helped to roll up his character and he ended up becoming a Level 1 Human Cleric, or a simple cleric as he liked to refer himself – hence _'Simple'_.

「**DM:** You were all successful in running into the rat-hole cave you call a haven. However, just when everyone wants to give a sigh of relief, you hear the rocks and ceiling around you starting to break and crack. The giants outside are not amused and they are pounding away the cave door with their boulder-crushing fists and log-mushing feet. You have exactly 3 turns before the whole cave collapse and you all become open game. Of course, you'll just be doomed before you even know it.」

「**Jayden:** Dude, what is your problem!? Why do you enjoy throwing us into an impossible situation where even James Bond and the guy from Mission Impossible would go _'screw this, I'm out!'_! And we got a new guy on the team for crying out loud – have you no manners!?」

「**DM:** …Giving you 3 turns worth of reprieve is already being at my best behaviour. Now roll.」

「**Jayden:** $#%*!」

「**Aya:** Hm? Simple? Why are you crying? Are you still upset that you accidentally touched my butt when we fell into this cave? Don't worry about it, your touch was quite gentle.」

「**Simple:** I-it isn't that, Miss Aya…A-almost…I-it's all my fault! I-if I hadn't made a bad Attack Roll and missed the goblin scout, I could've stopped him from signaling the giants to come and ambush us! Gaaaaaaah! I should've went with a Barbarian class in the first place! PLEASE FORGIVE ME – AS WELL AS FOR HARASSING YOU MISS AYA!」

「**Aya:** Like I said, you were very gentle. I actually liked it.」

「**Jayden:** …Aya. Shut it. You're a straight-faced pervert. Simple doesn't know that – but you do. So quite harassing him instead. Meryl! Get over here and calm Simple down! All this screaming isn't helping my nerves.」

「**Meryl:** Aye-aye~!」

_***SLAP!***_

「**Simple:** …I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now.」

「**Jayden:** …I SAID FREAKING _**CALM**_ HIM DOWN – NOT _**B*TCH-SLAP**_ HIM!」

「**Meryl:** But it worked, didn't it? Tee-hee~」

「**Jayden:** BOTH OF YOU GIRLS ARE MESSED UP!」

「**DM:** …While you were having a lover's spat, time continued on and now you're down to 2 turns before imminent destruction.」

「**Jayden:** AND YOU, JERKFACE! I'LL HAVE THE DM-GODS DISQUALIFY YOU!」

My god. I've had worse games with situations like this – but this takes the strawberry off a strawberry shortcake! With whatever little time we had left, our party held an emergency tactical meeting over a small rock as a table (which failed miserably as it didn't even have enough room to let half of my elbow fit!)

「**Codwin:** Hmm. This is definitely a troubling dilemma. We need to stay as calm as possible in order to come up with the best strategy.」

「**Jayden:** No freaking hey this is a troubling issue! We got giants knocking at our front door – how the heck can you talk so casually about it as if this was a philosophy club!?」

「**Aya:** Alright let's review the situation. We have 10 giants, 4.5 goblins (2 down and 0.5 meaning one was half health and currently affected by poison damage), and a swarm of wild man-eating bugs that got attracted to us during the battle. We are currently hiding in our last possible stronghold and we only have about two turns to reverse the situation. I am open to any suggestions.」

「**Jayden:** YOU DON'T HAVE AN IDEA YOURSELF, YOU WITCH!」

「**Aya:** Meryl, you start off first.」

「**Jayden:** DON'T IGNORE ME!」

「**Meryl:** Mmm. Ah-ha! Maybe I can use _Poison Arrows_ again! I can hit the giants through a murder hole-like crack and have Codwin place a Hold Person style spell to keep them from crushing our hideout. Just like the cool guy from the movie 'Triple X', we'll wait for them to die of old age—er, poison damage I mean.」

That was when the DM interrupted by making the sound of a 'you're wrong' buzzer. What was this, Jeopardy!?

「**DM:** These giants are a special breed of mountain dwellers who practically eat poisoned roots and plants for tea and breakfast. They're immune to any toxic traps or spells completely. Plus they're too big for regular Hold Person to have any effect on. You need a Divine Level Hold to do anything, and even then they'll be immobile for five turns max. 」

「**Codwin:** Bother. I was planning to use a special spell that could even constrict the movements of a dragon. A shame it can't be used in this case.」

「**Jayden:** W-wait a minute! Our Orc Paladin has magic that can make a full-on nuke shut up, but you won't let it work on these freaking overgrown popcorns!? That's too O.P. (over powered)! No scratch that – IT'S REVERSE O.P.!」

「**DM:** _*Shrugs*_ Rules are rules.」

「**Jayden:** God. If it comes down to this, I'll just have to buff my swords with maximum damage and ram them up those giants' a**!」

Just I had finished that sentence, Simple – who had promised to stay quiet the entire time – suddenly jumped in his seat with wide eyes.

「**Simple:** …Hold it. Mr. Codwin, do you still have the ropes you bought in the last town?」

「**Codwin:** …Yes. And Codwin is fine, Simple.」

「**Simple:** Miss Aya. You have an _Animate Rope_ spell, right? What are it's specs?」

「**Aya:** Mmm. It allows the target rope to have a will of its own and it's able to move in any 360 degree direction per turn. Also, you can call me Ay'Ay to make it easier for you.」

At that time, I thought _'how the deuce is turning a three-letter name into a four-letter one make it any easier'_?

「**Jayden:** …Simple? Are you alright? You're suddenly shaking all over. I can't tell if you've just seen a nasty ghost or—」

Either I was talking too quietly or Simple was too zoned out, because he didn't hear me at all while he was working feverishly for some reason.

「**Simple:** Miss Meryl, I have a request!」

「**Meryl:** Oka~y. But only if you refer to me as Milady Maid Marian.」

Seriously people! Stop giving him random names!

「**Simple:** Milady Maid Marian! (_He actually said it!?_) I ask that you lend me your Grapple Hooks! And Sir…Er, Codwin! Please pass me the ropes that you have!」

Codwin and Meryl immediately handed over the requested items to Simple and he began to…well, plan something out with them. Next, Simple whipped out a series of parchment paper along with an ink pen and started to frantically draw out all sorts of diagram and texts across it. Sweat was practically building up over his forehead as he wrote his thoughts and calculations out.

Though the giants were banging away at our cave, the atmosphere was silent. Simple had always been a quiet person, working hard in behind the scenes to keep us healed and well buffed with bonus powers so we could focus on facing the enemy without fear…But this silence…was just vicious. None of us dared to even move a muscle in fear that even the slightest micro-sound would shatter Simple's intense concentration.

Even the DM watched him carefully, too curious for his own good.

「**DM:** …You. New guy. What do you have in mind?」

「**Simple:** …Sorry. If I told you, then this whole idea would be pointless. No comment.」

…Oooooh. Shot – down. Serves that jerk of a DM right. I was pretty much grinning when I watched him squirm in discomfort.

After a full minute of thinking, Simple hatched his plan…I will tell you now that it was freaking – ingenious.

「**Simple:** Put the necessary pieces together and_…_Alright! _**The stage is set!**_ I start this round with my turn! DRAW!」

We all watched in amazement as Simple whipped out one of the several parchments into the air. For a moment, I could have sworn he resembled a certain King of Card Games.

「**DM:** …Draw?」

「**Meryl:** Oooooh! Simple suddenly went from Courage the Cowardly Dog to Alexander the Great!」

「**Aya:** Indeed. Even though I'm a Demoness, this cleric's burst of charisma is giving me a wonderful feeling. What a serious man.」

「**Simple:** I use Codwin's Rope and Meryl's Grapple Hook to turn them into a hooked cable! FUSION!」

「**DM:** …Okay.」

「**Jayden:** Ho-hooo. Who'd had thought Simple could be this intense. This should be good.」

「**Simple:** Then I will ask Codwin to smash open the cave door.」

「**Jayden:** …HAH?!」

「**DM:** …What?」

「**Meryl:** …」

「**Aya:** …」

「**Codwin:** …I beg your pardon?」

「**Simple:** …If sacrifices are to be made…_let me be the only one to accept that burden_…」

「**Codwin:** …,…,…,…I take out my best warhammer, Madame Butterfly, and use _Mighty Smash_ to break apart the cave entrance! Onward my lovely lady~~ _MIGHTY SMAAAAAAAAAAAASH!_」

「**Jayden:** …ARE YOU INSANE!? THE GIANTS WILL—」

「**DM:** Too late. Codwin uses his Paladin powers and obliterates the cave completely. Now, the giants march in like the Stormtroopers invading Princess Leia's cruiser and they—」

「**Simple:** REVERSE CARD! (Whips out another parchment) I have Milady Maid Marian use her _Ice Block_ spell to hit the first giant coming at us. Go, Milady!」

「**Meryl:** …,…D20 rolled!...Yes! Whopping 16! I shoot my enchanted arrow in the giant's knee – meme shamelessly intended!」

「**DM:** 16? Tch it's a hit. Fine – your bolt strikes the giant and it's now covered in frost from the waist down. It can't move for the next 15 seconds – but the other giants lumber around it to—」

「**Simple:** Magic Invoker – TRIGGER! I call upon Aya the Demoness to cast _Animate Rope_ on the hooked cable, to bring it to life! Aya!」

「**Aya:** …I see. Then I cast _Animate Rope_ onto Simple's _item_! Awaken to my voice, my darling, and serve your master with all your heart and soul!」

「**Jayden:** DON'T THROW IN NEEDLESS INNUENDOS AT A TIME LIKE THIS!」

「**Simple:** Sir Jayden!」

「**Jayden:** WHAT?!」

「**Simple:** …You're right, I'm a total newbie. I'm a terrible fighter. I can't use almighty magic. Even if I can heal others, I'm still incapable of reversing the situation at times like this. So, I decided to be selfish.」

「**Jayden**: …Selfish? Explain.」

「**Simple:** I don't want a bad ending. Even if we won't become proud winners – I refuse to let anyone die. That's why I'm going to take this chance to make things right. For Codwin, for Aya, for Milady Maid Marian, and even for you, Sir Jayden. You all accepted me despite the fact that I was a total stranger, and had taken me this far in my very first campaign…So let me be selfish just this once, and allow me to borrow your swords, Sir Jayden.」

「**Jayden:** …,…,…,…Take it. Have my Iron Longsword +3 Damage, my Wind Rapier +2 Dexterity, my Dune Scimitar +4 Defense…Fudge it. I open my pocket dimension to unload enough swords to fill two Boeing 747 hangars! They're all enchanted with whatever buff I could cast in this turn, so take them all Simple!」

「**Simple:** …U-uuh. Sorry. I can only carry two. Th-thank you for the offer though.」

「**Jayden:** And Simple…I'm putting you down for 20 bucks. Regardless of the results – you're worth it.」

「**Simple:** …Thank you for trusting me, Sir Jayden.」

「**DM:** …Ahem. While you two are casually chatting away, the giant who is half-frozen over begins to break at the ice restraint. You have less than 5 seconds—」

「**Simple:** I now unite everything I have in my hand – hook (Meryl), cable (Codwin), Animate spell (Aya), and dual swords (Jayden) – to create a new magical weapon! I fusion summon…THE THREE-DIMENSIONAL MANEUVERING GEAR!」

…,…,…,….…Impossible. This…this is just impossible.

The Three Dimensional Maneuvering Gear…THAT 3DMG!?

A-and we're facing giants right now…NO – FREAKING – WAY!

「**Jayden:** …Oh…my…god…」

「**DM:** …YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!?」

At that moment, the atmosphere suddenly flipped around. It was so sudden, even the giants hesitated to strike out at us.

「**Simple:** I throw down an Attack Roll to begin my assault!」

And then the Cleric, who was best in working in the background while supporting us, took a huge leap forward to turn the situation around.

He threw the dice that would decide everything in that split second…and he landed…

…,…,…,…,…A freaking Natural 20.

「**Simple:** …YES! I launch my enchanted hook cable and attach it against the frozen giant's shoulder. GOOOOOOOO!」

Simple took flight with a jump, the _Animate Rope_ winding up the stretched cable like a high-powered winch to give him forward momentum, and zipped straight for the giant's neck in a blur.

「**DM:** I can't believe this! You can't just drag something like a whole Anime series into a game like this! Even if we aren't worried about copyright infringement, this is totally against the rules and you know it!」

「**Simple:** In war, there are no such things as rules. The moment you step on the battlefield – you win at all cost! That is what a great person taught me!」

Codwin, Meryl, Aya, and I all just stared at Simple in awe, jaws hanging wide open. Was this guy…for real?

「**Simple:** Aim for the nape…One meter vertically…10 centimeters horizontally…THERE! THAT'S WHERE I'LL STRIKE! HAAAAAAAH!」

_***SHIIIIIING***_

「**Jayden:** …Ah.」

「**Aya:** …This is...」

「**Meryl:** …N…no way…」

「**Codwin:** …Instant kill.」

「**DM:** …_*Bleep*_…」

With a magnificent slash of his two blades…Simple carved out a huge chunk of flesh that was part of the giant's neck. Now that part of its spine was severed…the results were obvious.

「**DM:** …You killed a giant that could even eat poison for breakfast…with Anime technology made out of random parts…What the heck are you, MacGyver!?」

「**Aya:** He…actually slayed that giant…in one blow?」

「**Meryl:** Woooow! That's the coolest finishing move I've ever seen since a Barbarian's version of the _'People's Elbow!'_」

「**Codwin:** In-incredible. The damage dealt from behind would be a significant bonus, but if you add in the effects of a Natural 20, as well as a direct blow to the neck…By the gods…」

「**Jayden:** …It's over 9000 damage! (90 actually)」

「**Simple:** Everyone! Follow me!」

「**All:** Eh?」

As Simple swung around through the air with his enchanted cables and twin blades, he gave us a big shining grin and slapped a fist of a salute to his heart.

「**Simple:** Let's become the Survey Corp!」

…Christmas Day just arrived for us.

「**All:** GUNG-HO! GUNG-HO! GUNG-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!」

Heh. Wasting no time at all with an epic inspiration like that – we got more ropes and grapple hook, shot spell after spell of Animate Rope, passed out every type of super-sharp and super-buffed blade we could grab our hands on – and we took flight for the killing.

Cue 'Reluctant Heroes'.

「**DM:** S-stop! You can't do this! You're just killing those over-powered giants as if they were ants under a waiting boot! I've been planning this encounter for weeks and this isn't how things are supposed to go! Screw you, you jerks!」

「**Me:** Heh. This is what you get for screwing us over on a whim, jerkface! Now watch as we bring down the house – with style! HA-HAAAAAAA! 」

We rolled our attack damages one after another and dove in like angry bees – no; freaking F-22 Raptors of the United States Air Force man! The giants that had cornered us like bloodhounds to a rabbit-hole, were now being runned down like rabbits themselves.

Dang. It feels good to be the hunter!

「**Jayden:** Hyah! I fire a cable to hit the giant in the forehead and zip in to jab five swords into its face consecutively! I then whip around and hack of its head to let it dangle by the neck!」

「**Aya:** Shaa! I fly directly towards one giant to slice through its Adam's apple and burst out from the back of its head. I can't help but enjoy myself as I lick off the blood from my blades with full on seduction.」

「**Codwin:** Hup! I approach three giants and anchor my hooked cables into the first one's ear. I swing around like a morning star to use my greatsword to cleave through the other two giants' heads, and then I finish off the first by entwining my wires around its neck to become a noose.」

「**Meryl:** YEE-HAAAAAAAW! I fly right past a group of giants that are trying to escape and I slash at their ankles to cripple them. I then cast _Icicle Stakes_ to grow ice spikes from the ground and they fall to their dead on them, ripping out their necks, innards, and everything! To add salt to injury, I use my swords to carve 'Meryl was here' across their backs! Kyaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa! 」

In no time at all, all 10 giants went to zero giants! As for the 4.5 goblin army and a pack of angry man-eating bugs…

「**DM:** GAAAAAAAH! You win! You win, alright!? In the chaos of the giant's total annihilation, their corpses come crashing down and squish all four of the goblins to death. As for the last goblin with half health, the man-eating insects changed their mind about eating you, seeing how over-powered you suddenly became, and decided to just eat the goblin instead and end up dying from its poison effect. There! End of story! Now take your stupid reward and XPs, I don't care anymore! I quit! I can't stand playing with you guys again!」

With that, the defeated DM threw a kiddy tantrum, flipped both his chair over and a bird at us, then stormed out of the building, never to be heard from again.

「**Jayden:** …That…was epic.」

「**Aya:** Though it was a short moment…that was even more thrilling than all of my previous DnD sessions combined…」

「**Codwin:** Indeed. It was a satisfying battle of great proportions.」

「**Meryl:** Wow. The blood, the gore, the ecstasy. This overwhelming feeling is just like when I first got addicted to DnD. Aaaaaah. It's so nostalgic.」

「**Simple:** …I'm so sorryyyyyy~.」

「**All:** …Eh?」

We all turned to Simple when he gave that weird sounding 'sorry' as if a beach ball got its air punched out. It hasn't been a full minute after the DM stormed off when the same Cleric that saved our hides just collapsed in his seat with a gasp.

「**Simple:** Forgive me…I was too reckless.」

「**Meryl:** …What do you mean?」

「**Codwin:** You won, didn't you. What's there to apologize for?」

「**Simple:** Uh…I didn't win…it was really a gamble.」

「**Aya:** …A gamble?」

「**Simple:** …I should have came up with a less dangerous idea, but I couldn't think of anything while I was breaking under the pressure. H-however when Jayden inspired me with what he said earlier, a thought clicked in my head and I went with it without thinking…」

「**Jayden:** …What the heck did I say?」

Simple then clasped his hands together to make a hand-gun out of it and did a poking-up motion.

「**Simple:** Er…_'I'll shove my sword up their a-hole'_」

「**All:** …」

…Dude. Did we just won against a gang of 10 poison-immune giants, 6 goblins, and a pack of overgrown man-eating insects, acquired all the money and experience points we want, and made the stone-faced jerk DM storm out of the building like an angry 10 year old – all just because he freaked out and got inspired by a random joke I blurted out?

…,…,…,…Screw it. This kid is hired.

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**SESSION_END  
**_~See You Next Adventure~_


	2. Hero-Galleon-Sail-On

**~Emerald Sonata Works~**

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**{= Dungeons &amp; Dragons =}  
~ A SIMPLE CLERIC ~**

CASTLE WARFORGE_  
(hero_galleon_sail_on)_

_{~By: Emerald Sonata~}_

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Hi, guys. It's me, Jayden the Elven Swordmage and this is a story about how a simple cleric did something absurdly crazy – just so he could pet someone…However, we have a bit of a problem at hand…

「**Jayden:** …Geeeeeez. That thing is going to kill us 10 times over with just one punch – no, no, a freaking pinky finger if it wanted to.」

「**DM:** Hm-hmm. That is correct. As you all huddle up behind a tiny bush in the middle of the barren wasteland, the moving castle resembling a humanoid Warforged that is half the size of Mt. Everest trudges past you, unaware of your shoddily hidden presence. Drops of hot magma and flesh melting ember rain down around your feet as the Warforge Castle kicks up a bit of the molten lava from the magma river it's wading through. Good luck my dear friends.」

I swore as hard as I could – but quiet enough so that the Warforged Castle couldn't hear us and let it continue merrily down its way through volcano lane.

「**Jayden:** …This is revenge for what happened last time, isn't it?」

Previously in the last game, our newest member of our party, a character who likes to refer to himself as 'a simple cleric' – so we call him Simple because his name stuck – ticked off our DM with the most epic turn-table move that we've ever experienced in the wild world of _Dungeons and Dragons_!

「**Jayden:** Dude. Get over the fact that you got your butt handed back to you the first time you've ever started playing DnD, okay? I mean, it's not like the end of the world or something – even when you're entire family – except for your mom, strangely – are Dungeon Masters by lineage.」

「**DM:** …Jayden. Say anything more and I will personally ask the Warforge Castle to crush you and only you straight into the depths of Hellstrom, the Plane of the Netherworld – 10+ Earth layers deep. And you Simple…behave yourself this time.」

「**Simple:** Y-yes sir…I'm sorry…」

Meh, go figures. Our DM was so fed up with us last time he practically swore an oath of silence against us. Still, I hate to admit that there was no one as good as him to fill in for the DM role – it's just that his challenges are at the level that would make God scratch his head for an hour or two – so we tried to talk some sense in him. We cried, we begged, we threatened, we even added in an act of seduction or two with one of our female party members – but that backfired and I got a nasty slap just for suggesting it.

However, heh-heh, there was always my favorite back up method: Plan Canada. It changed the sucker's mind instantly and all was well.

「**Codwin:** Jayden. When will you reimburse me for ordering those 12 dozen cases of beer that we had to bribed the Dungeon Master with? My job doesn't pay me enough and my wife (in reality) will have my head if I don't give her a proper explanation for a shortened paycheck…And don't you _say 'I'll get my money back in a game of poker'_, you know fully well I'm terrible at that confounded game!」

「**Meryl:** SSSSSSH! Not too loud! I could have sworn the castle-thing glanced at us when it was scratching the crushed seagulls from its shoulder!」

「**Aya:** …,…I still feel bummed out that Jayden didn't choose me for the DM-Seduction plan…Sigh.」

Ahem. Back to the story.

The quest for today started off with a really boring mission: rescue the princess who was kidnapped by an evil wizard…Aaaaaand cue eye rolling.

…However…

「**Jayden:** When you said we had to rescue the princess from Gandalf's evil brother, I really didn't think you go off and copy the plot from _Howler's Moving Keep_.」

「**DM:** Trust me. This plot hook I've developed in the past three weeks is 100% original. And besides, I haven't seen that particular Haro Miyazami film before so I'm in the green zone.」

「**Simple:** …W-wait. If you haven't seen the film, how did you know it was made by Sir Haro Miyazami?」

「**DM:** …Shype.」

「**Jayden:** COPY-CAT!」

「**DM:** Oooooh, would you look at that? The Warforge Castle must have left something behind and he _TURNS_ around to _SEE_ what it is. And there's an off chance that it's _INTELLIGENT_ enough to _RECOGNIZE_ a _SINGLE BUSH_ in the middle of the bloody wasteland!」

「**Jayden:** (Mouthing a swear).」

Once again, this was another impossible task that our sick DM enjoys watching us struggle with. Honestly, I would have quit right off the bat – if the stakes weren't that high.

「**Meryl:** Regardless of the situation, I'm actually looking forward to making my wish to the princess's father if we successfully rescue her. Ku-ku-ku. Crossbow that acts like a real-life Gatling cannon covered in 100% gold plating and encrusted with rare gemstones – come to Mama!」

「**Aya:** That's right. I too am very excited to learn the forbidden spell that could stop time at will. Imagining all the naughty things I could do while time stand still is making me drool…Ah. I just did…」

「**Codwin:** Indeed. Being able to obtain a new magical shield that could resist any evil-based attack and magic would prove to be helpful in dire situations. Not to mention, it's perfect to act as a standing mirror so I could comb my toupee in the mornings.」

「**Jayden:** I don't care what you guys want after all this – but no one's gonna stop the J-Man when he gets a _'private date'_ with the princess! Mwah-ha-ha-ha…H-hey, d-don't look at me with those judging eyes like that! Role-playing games are always about living out your fantasies to the fullest – especially when you get to have _'fun time'_ with an innocently-hot princess! Am I right, Codwin – HEY! Don't look away from me as if this has nothing to do with you – and Meryl, DON'T YOU DARE SLAP ME AGAIN! And Aya – STOP SMILING AT ME LIKE THAT YOU STRAIGHT-FACED PERVERT!」

「**Simple:** …」

As we all have our own wishes, Simple on the other hand…

「**Simple:** Mmmmm! I-I don't know what I want…There are so many interesting things I would like to have in the game, but I only have one chance! S-should I get myself a new cloak that could unleash burning lightning? A legendary magic staff that could summon a Bahamut Tank? Or should I use it to change my class to a more useful one, like a Barbarian or Warlock!?...GAAAAAAAH! I CAN'T DECIDE!」

…Had decision issues.

「**Jayden:** Seriously, guys, focus! We only have once chance into figuring out a way to get into the castle and messing around with the princess – I mean take her—NO! The Wizard! To beat up the stupid ugly evil twin of Gandalf! Yeah!」

「**Aya:** …I have a plan. I will strip off my armor and grab the Warforge Castle's attention. Once I have it ogling me, you can all throw a grapple line onto its body and SWAT-climb right up.」

「**DM:** …That's…so wrong on so many levels…AND PLEASE REFRAIN FROM ACTUALLY TAKING YOUR SHIRT OFF FOR PRACTISE! IT'S A WARFORGE – NOT JAYDEN – IT'S NOT AT ALL INTERESTED IN THE HUMAN BODY!」

「**Jayden:** HEY! JUST BECAUSE I'M HONEST WITH MY DESIRES DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SCAR MY DIGNITY AS A RIGHTEOUS MAN!」

「**Codwin:** Hmmm. How about we build a rudimentary bridge? The Warforge Castle will eventually find a place to rest, will it not? We can take the opportunity to create a ramp-like structure and hi-jack once it parks on the side bank or so.」

「**DM:** I will tell you now, that's a stupid idea. The Warforge Castle was built to keep moving, it is not an actually living creature and thus does not require food or rest to keep it in perfect shape. The only thing that thing will stop it is when it starts to get rust all over its joints in the next 1000 or so years. Would you like to wait that long, Mr. Codwin?」

「**Codwin:** …No. I'm fine. Even I understand the physics of rust quite well as I have to make sure Madame Butterfly (great axe) is clean and perfect before every battle. Which reminds me, I should check on her conditions first. Wait a moment.」

「**Meryl:** …Mmmm…Ah! I know, we can—」

「**DM:** No.」

「**Meryl:** …Darn. For a moment, I thought it was a good idea.」

「**Jayden:** …THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR A NOODLE INCIDENT REFERENCE!」

I slapped my hands onto my face and just let out a groan.

This…was the _worst_ worst-case-scenario we've ever been in…Freaking Period.

「**DM:** …Geez. You coerce me to return to my throne as your Dungeon Master and this is the kind of farce you offer me. Hmph. While you mope about your dire situation, I'm going to grab myself a refreshing beer – which you used to bargain with me, should I mention (*evil grin*)?」

「**Jayden:** I swear, one day I'll murd—」

「**Simple:** U-um. Mr. Dungeon Master.」

「**DM:** …Yes. Simple?」

「**Simple:** Why do you have ship figures lying all over the field?」

「**DM:** …Hmm?」

「**Jayden:** …Hah?」

The gang and I all crowded around Simple and watched where he was pointing on the game table – even the DM traced after with curiosity.

…Wow. There really was a boat figurines on the table.

This map was designed to be a barren wasteland that only had a river full of magma that was long enough to out-race the Nile River and one shrub for cover – however, there were also several boat-shaped figurines lying about in a weird manner on the dirt ground (not in the river).

「**DM:** …Right…It's a full house game-day today in the store, so all the public _Dungeons and Dragon_ figures were either taken or reserved for an Adventurer League session. After much clawing and biting, I was only able to muster enough figures for you lousy lot, the Wizard, and the Warforge acting as a giant walking castle. Even this ugly barren setting was the only map I could get my hands on before I was horded altogether. We have to make do. As for the ships, well, I didn't felt comfortable about having a completely flat board so I thought I borrow some bottle-ship figures to use in place of houses, field decorations, or even random NPCs (non-playable characters)…if necessary that is.」

「**Jayden:** …Wow. First you had your perfect winning streak as the DM broken and now you're stuck with not-so-perfect pieces. Ironically, you're the guy who likes getting perfect grades all the time.」

「**DM:** …Warforge Castle – crush Jayden. I allow you to ignore his cover, just squish him.」

「**Jayden:** CHEATEEEEEEEEEEEER!」

After much bickering and fist-fighting (more like arm wrestling) we came to a truce and continued playing the game – all the while glaring at each other.

「**Simple:** …Oh! B-by the way. What about the princess? Even if we were successful in breaking into the moving castle, we don't know how she looks like.」

「**All:** …Ah.」

…Oh yeah. The entire time none of us have seen how the princess looked like…If she isn't what I had imagined in my head – innocently-hot and all – I'm changing my wish.

「**DM:** …Shype. I forgot about her. Like I said I don't have any extra figures – and there is no way on Earth will I resort to using a ship as a sub-in for someone that important! W-wait a moment!」

Our DM left the table to go into the back of the store we were playing in. After a few finger-tapping moments later, he returned with—

「**DM:** Here, Simple, this was unintentionally meant for you. Be happy.」

「**Simple:** …OH MY GOD! THE PRINCESS IS AZUNYAAN!?」

「**Jayden:** …Hah?」

After a closer look, I choked. The DM had resorted in using a large Anime figurine of a cute-looking girl with twintails, who I recognized from an Anime about a girl band club…Just how low did this guy had to go today?

「**Jayden:** …Screw it. Party – we're heading back to the nearest tavern to get drunk so—」

「**Simple:** I HAVE AN IDEA!」

We jumped in our seats at that shout – along with the full-house worth of table-top gamers in the store around us. When we stared at Simple, his eyes were sparkling like diamonds.

「**Jayden:** …Should we like this ide-YUUWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!」

「**All:** WAAAAAAAAH!」

In seconds, Simple took us by the hands and dragged an Elf, a Demoness, a Halfling, and an Orc (mental note: big guy, wields a greataxe as primary weapon, Paladin class) over to…one of the broken ships?

「**Simple:** Everyone! Quick! Team huddle!」

Not waiting for our permission, he forced us to smack our heads together into a makeshift huddle and whispered his idea.

Hm-hmm? Yeah…Okaaaaay…,…,…,…,…,…,…Heh?

「**All:** …HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!?」

「**DM:** Wh-what!? What's the matter!? Why do all of you look like you want to get up and vomit in any direction you can find! Well? Say something, Jayden, don't just give me a look to gesture _'save me, save me right now'_! And you, Simple! You're scheming something aren't you!?」

「**Simple:** Okay everyone. Let's get to work! Aaaaaaaand – BREAK!」

「**All:** …B…break…」

Simple ran off to get started on something…while we trudged off to do our part like newly born zombies.

…Here's how it went down.

「**Simple:** Jayden! Reinforced the hull, the masts, the beams, the railings…No, we need to cover these ships with all of your swords! Can I rely on you for that!?」

「**Jayden:** …Sure…thing?」

Simple: Aya! I need your help! You have Demon magic that could manipulate objects, even combining them to make them move like a bone-joint, right? Could you work on some of these areas and even add in this activation code phrase (scribbles paper to her) with some enchantments?

「**Aya:** …Okay…」

Simple: Meryl! You're good with rune spells and inscriptions right? Could you place several fire runes in a circular formation on the points I've marked on this diagram, please?

「**Meryl:** …Screw this…」

The three of us went with the one-sided plan, with the gusto of a man who partied all night and was in the middle of an early morning hangover. As for our Orc Paladin…

「**Codwin:** …Simple. As much as I am happy that you're confident in my powers, I can't say the same for myself. It's true I have _Levitate Object_, but I can only lift things that are up to a mass of 10 kg – nothing more than a case of one dozen soda cans. You're asking me to raise a ship into the air – with an equal displacement of the _HMS Dreadnought_ (20,700 tons). 」

「**Simple:** I understand, Codwin. Please leave that part to me. Alright everyone! Let's set sail!」

「**DM:** …That…is the most ridiculous ship…I've ever seen.」

…Yes. Yes it was.

The main ship that we saddled ourselves on was formerly a dead and half-broken _HMS Dauntless_ from the _Pearl Caribbean Pirates_ film. Now, it was covered in head to two with enough swords that could fill two Boeing 747 hangars as hull and armor to make it look like an Ironclad from the American Revolution. To some extent, it does look cool, but it really is no better than wrapping tin-foil and duct-tape all over your car and calling it the legendary Delor'Aeon Time Jumper.

…Please feel free to laugh…

「**Jayden:** …Simple. This plan, I hate to say it – is even more impossible than the DM's difficulty level. I suggest we scratch it and go with Aya's original idea.」

「**Meryl:** Yeah. First: we're on dry ground. Second: the only liquid matter available is magma. Third: if you're expecting Tinkerbell to come in and sprinkle fairy dust, dream on. This plan was sunk from the beginning – and yes, I intentionally threw in that pun to make my point.」

「**Aya:** …My apologies, Simple. As much as I would like to go ahead with this interesting strategy – I really want to try out my _'grab-the-Warforge's-attention'_ plan very badly.」

「**Codwin:** …I can't do it. Putting me on the spot of great importance like this is already giving me the moths in my stomach – which in Orc terms, that's about the volume of two bathtubs. We need an easier strategy.」

「**Simple:** …」

「**DM:** …Simple. Knock it off. Not everyone is into your idea of Dueling Cards, Anime, or whatever garbage you pull out of that Otaku hat. Play the game seriously, or consider the consequences.」

「**Simple:** …Who the heck do you think I am?」

「**Jayden:** …What?」

「**Aya:** Oh?」

「**Meryl:** A-aah?」

「**Codwin:** My goodness.」

「**DM:** …,…,…,…I beg your pardon?」

Simple jumped onto the main deck and stood behind the ship's metalized wheel. With a fold of his arms he cast a dangerous looking glare that made even the DM – and everyone else who was watching – a cold, cold chill.

「**Simple:** I may be just a simple cleric, who can only do so much in the background to help my friends – but if you think I'm the type of person who gives up on my favorite beliefs just because you hate them – THEN YOU'RE WRONG! 」

「**DM:** …What are you blabbering about, all of a sudden?」

「**Jayden:** …Simple?」

「**Simple:** No matter what you throw at me – whether it is a Warforge Moving Castle or even an Armada of Adamantine Dragons – I don't give a hoot. Bring it on. The more of a challenge you give me – the more the reason to crush your selfish ambitions! _**I will set the stage**_ for the perfect heroes to appear! I will plough the route for them to make it to the final level! AND I WILL SEE TO THE BITTER END THAT THEY WIN AT ALL COST!」

「**DM:** …」

「**Jayden:** …」

「**Aya:** …」

「**Meryl:** …」

「**Codwin:** …」

「**Simple:** My beliefs are the force that keeps me moving forward! The power that is shared between the bonds of that faith and the trust in my friends will allow me to surpass even the Heavens! So what do you take me for, almighty Dungeon Master? Really just your average cleric? No…I'M PACHOULISTEIN VI'UUL LAPUTA XII – A _SIMPLE_ CLERIC!」

…That…was the most epic speech I've ever heard in _Dungeons and Dragon_…ever. I believed everyone in the store who abandoned their own games to come and watch ours would say so as well. If Inspiration Points didn't have a limit of once-per use…Simple may have broken the record with carrying over 10 points worth.

「**Simple:** CODWIN!」

「**Codwin:** …,…,…_LEVITATE OBJECT_ – _**MAXIMUM SPIRIT!**_」

「**DM:** W-wait! Didn't you say yourself that you could only lift an object about 10 kg!? That thing weighs even more the _HMS Dreadnought_ – It's the freaking _USS Roosevelt_!」

「**Simple:** Magic Trigger – ACTIVATE! I cast my own power, _Holy Enlightenment_, which gives me the ability to increase one target spell and multiple its effect by the results of a d4! ROLL!...,..,..LEVITATE OBJECT – TIMES FOUR!」

「**Codwin:** …W-wait. Doesn't that mean my magic is essentially quadrupled at an exponential rate—WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!?」

「**All:** Ah. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!」

In a matter of seconds, what originally may have been a barely sensible twitch to the ship suddenly made it kicked up into a floating dirigible – without the balloon! This…was a flying fortress now!

「**Simple:** MERYL!」

「**Meryl:** …,…,…,…Screw this. _FIRE RUNES_ – _**FULL BURST!**_ YEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!」

Runic circles that were marked across the stern (back) of the ship started to ignite their inscriptions. In a flash, they erupted into massive burning force and the whole floating ship was…flying forward?

…D…did this thing turn into a high speed rocketship!?

「**DM:** Th-that's impossible! H-how did you think of something so rudimentary, yet so complex at the same time! Even the original creators of this game couldn't have imagined such a nightmarish combination! Are you trying to please them, break them, WHICH IS IT!? Gaaaaah! Warforge! You notice the flying metal ship heading your direction. Retaliate with Naval Class _Magic Missiles_! FIRE!」

The Warforged Moving Castle caught wind of our approach. All it did was turn its head over its shoulder – and thousands of thick burning orbs of _Magic Missiles_ strong enough to lay waste to a nation came flying at us.

「**Simple:** JAYDEN!」

「**Jayden:** …,…,…,…,…Heh. Sure thing! _INFINITY BLADE MAGIC_ – _**RAINSTORM KILLER**_! 」

I summoned a swarm of magical swords around me and launched them into the skies. They collided with each and every _Magic Missile_ I could catch in my sights and they unleashed a stream of explosions all over the horizon – Whooooa! It was literally like a scene from an intense sci-fi space fight!

「**DM:** …,…,…,..WARFORGE! JUST SLAP THEM!」

The Warforge heeded the DM's order and began to weave its entire body around. It was slow, but the fist it was making looked devastating enough to smoke our flying metal warship out of the air in a single touch.

「**Simple:** AYA!」

「**Aya:** …,…,…,…Okay…_DEMON UNISON THREAD - __**SCATTER**_!」

In seconds, Aya released hundreds of thick crimson energy wires all over the ground, each of them attaching on to the other ships that were scattered across the wasteland. They quickly tightened and hauled up the ships – no, no: they freaking picked them up into the air as if they were cotton balls and they came to smash against our ship like a car compactor…Which was only the first part…

「**Aya:** Simple! The code phrase!」

「**Meryl:** Simple! 」

「**Codwin:** Simple!」

「**Jayden:** …Go for it – SIMPLE!」

The Cleric nodded, closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and let out a simple roar…

「**Simple:** HERO GALLEON! SAIL – ON!」

「**DM:** …WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?」

…,…Cue '_Happily Ever After'_…

At that command…a giant bright blue cloud of raging energy swallowed our ship, along with everything else.

The ship began to change, suddenly combining along with the other dead ships to form a massive shape. Arms-like towers stretched out and blast open hands that clenched into a fist. Leg-like structures pieced themselves together to become longer and they collapsed into perfect bipedal supports. The deck mutated and turned into something like a dragon's head that swallowed us all down its throat – only to transform and become a knight's helmet with blazing green eyes.

「**Aya:** …This…」

「**Meryl:** …Amazing…」

「**Codwin:** …Unbelievable…」

「**Jayden:** …Oh…my…god…」

「**DM:** …,…,…,…You can't be serious.」

We have built…a freaking robot…out of magic and dead ships…as if it was just arts and craft…Shype.

Our massive ship robot was even bigger than the Warforge itself, and to add in a special bonus: it was floating up in the air – with its arms crossed.

Simple, who too had his arms crossed, was grinning.

「**Simple:** …Thank you Jayden.」

「**Jayden:** …Simple?」

「**Simple:** I know that it was selfish of me the entire time…but I couldn't resist in wanting to use this plan. I want to repay favor of sharing with me your strength – by winning this so everyone could get their wish granted!」

「**Jayden:** …」

「**Simple:** …Will you follow me? Even on this selfish road?」

…I paused to look at the others – Aya, Meryl, and Codwin – and I saw the answer in their eyes. So I spoke on their behalf.

「**Jayden:** Simple. You're insane. There's no freaking way we're going to leave you by yourself _in such a cool moment_. We're following you to the bitter end, RIGHT GUYS!?」

「**All:** GUNG-HO! GUNG-HO! GUNG-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!」

…The simple cleric had a smile…and a silent tear of joy down his cheek. He wiped it away, and gave out a big scream. We screamed along with him.

「**All:** WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK WE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRE!」

「**DM:** …,…,…W-w-WAIT! Th-this isn't fair! Time out! Stop! Even after all the experiences passed down onto me by my Dungeon Mastering ancestors – I'M NOT AT ALL PREPARED TO FACE SUCH A RIDICULOUSLY FRIGHTENING TRICK! W-WARFORGE!」

The Warforge realized something was terribly wrong and stopped pretending to be the stereotypical slow giant to fast-forward its movements, quickly swinging a fist that could punch a hole in a mountain the size of Los Angeles.

「**Simple:** WHO-THE-HECK-DO-YOU-THINK-WE-ARE KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!」

_***BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!***_

「**DM:** …Aa…Aaaaaaaaaaaaah…」

Before the Warforge could even fully turn around – our magical ship robot '_Hero Galleon_' dropped a bicycle-kick-stomp to its face…,…FREAK – YEAH!

「**Simple:** AND THE GIVE-US-THE-CUTE-PRINCESS-THIS-INSTANCE-PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!」

_Hero Galleon_ spun around with the grace of a veteran street brawler in mid-flight – and slammed a hammer-punch on top of the Warforge Castle's head to dunk it into the magma with a tsunami-like splash!...,…,…DOUBLE – FREAK – YEAH!

「**DM:** GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I – WILL NOT – LOSE TO A BUNCH OF RULE-TWISTING DELINQUENTS LIKE YOU LOT! ERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!」

The Warforge Castle threw us off in rage as it surfaced its body from the depths of the magma. Simple didn't care, he only had to turn the ship's wheel at an angle to control our robot to: grab the Warforge by the neck, crane back _Hero Galleon's_ head – AND SLAM A CHEAPSHOT HEADBUTT INTO THE MOVING CASTLE AND BACK INTO THE LAVA!...,…,…,…,…,…,…TRIPLE – FREAK HEY – YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

「**DM:** …Y…you've got to be kidding me…I…don't want to lose…not in this embarrassing fashion…」

Simple just smiled at him – the same way the usual Simple would.

「**Simple:** Sorry. When you step onto the battlefield, you're goal isn't to give up and die – BUT TO CLAIM THE WORLD FLAG AND CONQUER THE PLANET AS YOUR OWN TERRITORY – THAT IS WHAT A GREAT PERSON TAUGHT ME! UuuuuuuuuuuuuuuOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! FINISHING MOVE!」

「**DM:** N-NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO END LIKE THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!?」

「**Simple:** Everyone!」

「**All:** LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!」

Simple spun the wheel and he let out a cry that shook the heavens.

「Simple: _**OMEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAA – KNUCKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE – CRASHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!**_」

With a mighty heave, _Hero Galleon_ pulled back a fist and threw it point-blank through the Warforge's face – piercing a beautiful hole right through _and_ out of its skull. After a bit of some rummaging, Simple commandeer the magical ship robot to pull out our objective – Princess Azunyaan!

「**Simple:** _Hero Galleon_! TAKE – OFF!」

「**All:** AYE – AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!」

Full power to our runic 'engines' we blasted away from the Moving Castle's corpse, letting it drop into the depths of the magma river, and it instantly exploded into a series of mountainous blazes that would make a volcano cry its heart out.

…Ah yeah. As for the Wizard, since he lives in that castle…heh-heh – INSTANT K.O.!

With that, we – along with the crowd surrounding our table – went freaking wild (Insert Stadium Cheer here)!

「**DM:** …That…was…amazing…」

I jumped in my seat when I heard the DM – our DM, the same one who constantly screwed us over ever since we started playing with his impossible task – said those soul-shattering words.

It was true that he still had contempt in his eyes…but his spirit must have been so messed up he broke his 'perfect man' persona that he cared so highly for.

「**DM:** …I will say that I hate this feeling of being thwarted of my master plan to crush you lot in revenge for flipping me off in the last session _(*I KNEW IT!*)_…but…But this…This is the type of adventure and role-playing I've been dreaming about…E…Even my own ancestors never had this chance to experience such an intense game of this level…I…I don't know whether I should curse you all…or be blessed to be the first in my generation to stand witness to such a sight…」

「**Simple:** …I'm…sorry, Mr. Dungeon Master.」

「**DM:** …」

Simple: I know you work hard to make the game interesting, even though you do overdo it when it comes to difficulty level. But despite the short amount of time we've played together (two sessions), I can feel that you're an honest Dungeon Master who really wants to make the game enjoyable for everyone. I respect you for that. That is why I chose to go all out in return.

「**DM:** …Simple…,…,…,…I don't care anymore. Do whatever you want in the future – but please, within reason.」

「**Simple:** A-ha-ha…Y-yes sir…」

「**Jayden:** …」

…,…,…,…Dang…,…Daaaaaaaaang.

Not only did we get a chance to take part in an epic fight…the DM and Simple kissed and make up…O-obvious there were no actual kissing involved between two regular man in this scene. If DM had heard my thoughts, he would have crushed me – even without the Warforge Castle.

「**DM:** …Why are you avoiding eye contact with me, Jayden? You're thinking of something despicable, aren't you?」

「**Jayden:** …How well you know me.」

And so…we returned to Princess Azuunyan's kingdom in our magical ship robot. Epic+2.

「**DM:** …Ahem. You all arrive over the kingdom's main square. The citizens and vassals all stare at your ridiculously massive ship in the shape of a man with folded arms and are stunned at the very spectacle. After you all rappel down – as there's no way in heck you can park that thing anywhere – you make your way to the castle to present princess…A-Azunyaan was it? The king is happy and the kingdom throws a celebration for the return of their beloved princess. Gooody (sour)…They plan to have a week long feast of slaughtering all the livestock and squeezing all the grapes for food and wine. Oh yeah I almost forgot, the king grants each of your stupid wishes as requested. Codwin, you get the pile of dead fish—」

「**Codwin:** Actually a holy shield that can resist all levels of evil and is shiny enough for me to use as mirror so I can comb my toupee in the mornings.」

「**DM:** …Aya, you get a dancer's brassiere…」

「**Aya:** …Oh my god…I so want it! B-but I'll be wasting my only chance to learn a new almighty magic that could stop time for me to do all sorts of naughty things! Which one should I wish for? The see-through brassiere? The forbidden magic? GAAAAAAH! I CAN'T DECIDE! (God, now it's her turn)」

「**DM:** …Meryl, you get a-」

「**Meryl:** A crossbow that works like a real-world Gatling gun covered in 100% gold plating and encrusted with gemstones.」

「**DM:** …No. The king is going to give you a—」

「**Meryl:** A crossbow that works like a real-world Gatling gun covered in 100% gold plating and encrusted with gemstones. If I receive anything other than this request, I will kindly ask the store manager to let me borrow his favorite box-cutter and personally autograph your face with it (gentle smile).」

「**DM:** …,…,…Y…you get the Gatling Crossbow with gold trimmings—」

「**Meryl:** 100% gold plating and the encrusted gemstones. Yay!」

「**DM:** …Jayden…I'm going to give this one to you. Have at her.」

「**Jayden:** FREAK YEAH! Your majesty! I humbly request to—」

Before I could finish with _'have a private day'_ with his daughter, the DM suddenly turned to Simple with a curious look.

「**DM:** By the way…you never mentioned what you wanted. Are you going to pass your turn? Say yes.」

「**Simple:** N-no! No pass! I-I really do have a request, y-your Majesty!」

「**DM **_**(as a tired king**_**):** Speak.」

「**Simple:** I…I want to…to…C-Can I have Princess Azunyaan wear cat ears and let me pet her – for a whole day!?」

…,…,…,…,…

「**DM:** …,…,…,…,…,…Screw it. You may pet the princess.」

Simple ran off so fast, we didn't even realize he had left the table until we turned to look at his empty chair that was flipped over. When he came back, he brought along with him a headband with cat ears on them and placed them on the Azunyaan's head. Ultimately, he proceeded to pet the princess.

From then on, the simple cleric was in cloud nine. In case you don't know what that means – let's just say he's in a whole new world while caressing the cat-princess's head….,…W-wait. H-hold the phone…

Something had occurred to me then.

…Did Simple…create a flying armored ship that was a cross between a U.S. Aircraft Carrier _**and**_ a NASA Rocket Shuttle – sewed up hundreds of broken sailing ships to create a magical ship robot that was bigger than the Warforge's size of half of Mt. Everest – curb stomped said Warforge in the most epic reenactment of a certain Anime that had shaken even the galaxy…_just so he could pet an Anime princess?_

…,…,…,…Now that I think about my own wish: I felt like the biggest jerk in the face of the world (and everyone silently agreed on that).

…And so…I ended up wishing for a pony…only to remember minutes later that I don't have the skill to ride it…*Sulk*…

* * *

**SESSION_END  
**_~See You Next Adventure~_


	3. testing

TESTING UPDATE SYSTEM

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Aliquam efficitur congue rutrum. Pellentesque cursus, nisi ac pellentesque finibus, sem neque pharetra elit, sit amet placerat nisi purus non lacus. Fusce tempus lacus erat, a rutrum ipsum cursus sed. Maecenas malesuada orci at venenatis cursus. Nunc finibus, ligula a suscipit tincidunt, sem ipsum rutrum erat, at facilisis leo risus eget massa. Praesent ultricies elementum sodales. Maecenas lectus nisi, sagittis sed ultricies nec, consequat vehicula ipsum. Aliquam ullamcorper placerat erat vitae venenatis. Proin congue erat ut condimentum rhoncus. Cras placerat feugiat egestas. Nunc pellentesque eget dui quis consequat. Nulla venenatis ut quam et finibus. Donec eget tellus elit. Donec malesuada mauris vel accumsan accumsan.


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